October 31, 2006

Living arrangements

PG-Rated

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

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October 30, 2006

Little Zachary

PG-Rated

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.

After the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

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October 29, 2006

Flowers

G-Rated

A man in Tyler, Texas had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

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October 28, 2006

Blondes Cookbook

G-Rated

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

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October 27, 2006

Marine Studies

PG-Rated

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

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October 26, 2006

Husband Version 1.0

G-Rated

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and almost immediately noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance - particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, MLB 3.0, NBA 4.0, NASCAR 4.2 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

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October 25, 2006

End of the World

G-Rated

A senior at Texas A&M was overheard saying...

"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in East Texas."

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October 24, 2006

Deer Hunting

G-Rated

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

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October 23, 2006

University of Texas Math

PG-Rated

The owner of a golf course in Lufkin was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 4%, how much would you take off?"

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October 22, 2006

How to Make a Woman Happy

PG-Rated

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

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October 21, 2006

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

PG-Rated

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just sad.

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

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October 20, 2006

Little Johnny

PG-Rated

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

The next morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

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October 19, 2006

Classified Ad

G-Rated

An actual classified ad:

$10,000 Suzuki GSXR 1000
2006 Suzuki 1000 original miles.

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October 18, 2006

Halloween Costumes Gone Bad

R-Rated

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October 17, 2006

Costume Winners

R-Rated

Or, at least we hope these won...

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October 16, 2006

Just a Kiss

PG-Rated

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

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October 15, 2006

Halloween Costumes

R-Rated

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October 14, 2006

Picking a Halloween Costume

PG-Rated

A bald man with a wooden leg has been invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note:

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October 13, 2006

Halloween humor

PG-Rated

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

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October 12, 2006

TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX

PG-Rated

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again.

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October 11, 2006

Got Pumpkin Butt?

PG-Rated

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October 10, 2006

A Really Bad Costume

PG-Rated

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October 9, 2006

Best Halloween Costume

PG-Rated

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October 8, 2006

A few rules to remember on Halloween

PG-Rated

When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

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October 7, 2006

Drunk Pumpkin

G-Rated

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October 6, 2006

The Halloween Disguise

PG-Rated

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

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October 5, 2006

Fishing Trip

R-Rated

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

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October 4, 2006

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

PG-Rated

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

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October 3, 2006

Memorial Stone

PG-Rated

Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

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October 2, 2006

Elephants

PG-Rated

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.

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October 1, 2006

Kitty Rock

G-Rated

The house cat:

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