October 31, 2006
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.See the rest of "Living arrangements"
October 30, 2006
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.
After the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.See the rest of "Little Zachary"
October 29, 2006
A man in Tyler, Texas had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.See the rest of "Flowers"
October 28, 2006
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.See the rest of "Blondes Cookbook"
October 27, 2006
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."See the rest of "Marine Studies"
October 26, 2006
Husband Version 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and almost immediately noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance - particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, MLB 3.0, NBA 4.0, NASCAR 4.2 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.See the rest of "Husband Version 1.0"
October 25, 2006
End of the World
A senior at Texas A&M was overheard saying...
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in East Texas."See the rest of "End of the World"
October 24, 2006
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.See the rest of "Deer Hunting"
October 23, 2006
University of Texas Math
The owner of a golf course in Lufkin was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 4%, how much would you take off?"See the rest of "University of Texas Math"
October 22, 2006
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:See the rest of "How to Make a Woman Happy"
October 21, 2006
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just sad.
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.See the rest of "NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND"
October 20, 2006
Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
The next morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"See the rest of "Little Johnny"
October 19, 2006
An actual classified ad:
$10,000 Suzuki GSXR 1000
2006 Suzuki 1000 original miles.
October 18, 2006
Halloween Costumes Gone Bad
R-RatedSee the rest of "Halloween Costumes Gone Bad"
October 17, 2006
Or, at least we hope these won...See the rest of "Costume Winners"
October 16, 2006
Just a Kiss
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."See the rest of "Just a Kiss"
October 15, 2006
See the rest of "Halloween Costumes"
October 14, 2006
Picking a Halloween Costume
A bald man with a wooden leg has been invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note:See the rest of "Picking a Halloween Costume"
October 13, 2006
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.See the rest of "Halloween humor"
October 12, 2006
TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again.See the rest of "TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX"
October 11, 2006
Got Pumpkin Butt?
PG-RatedSee the rest of "Got Pumpkin Butt?"
October 10, 2006
A Really Bad Costume
PG-RatedSee the rest of "A Really Bad Costume"
October 9, 2006
Best Halloween Costume
PG-RatedSee the rest of "Best Halloween Costume"
October 8, 2006
A few rules to remember on Halloween
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.See the rest of "A few rules to remember on Halloween"
October 7, 2006
G-RatedSee the rest of "Drunk Pumpkin"
October 6, 2006
The Halloween Disguise
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.See the rest of "The Halloween Disguise"
October 5, 2006
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"See the rest of "Fishing Trip"
October 4, 2006
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.See the rest of "The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women"
October 3, 2006
Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"See the rest of "Memorial Stone"
October 2, 2006
An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.See the rest of "Elephants"
October 1, 2006
The house cat: