September 30, 2006

Reach Out

PG-Rated

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important interview, my eyes fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds who are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful, inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!" So I did..........

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September 29, 2006

Stuttering Animals

R-Rated

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "

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September 28, 2006

Bubba and the twins

G-Rated

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

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September 27, 2006

The most popular guy in prison

R-Rated

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September 26, 2006

Fairy Godmothers

G-Rated

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

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September 25, 2006

It Sorta Makes Sense

G-Rated

Farmer Joe decided that his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible to court. In court the trucking company's lawyer asked Farmer Joe, "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

In response, Farmer Joe started to talk about loading his favorite mule Bessie into the trailer.

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September 24, 2006

Air Bags

R-Rated

In this state, it is the law to be buckled up while driving. So as the Official Seat Belt Inspector, I will be around to insure a proper fit and full compliance with the law.. . .

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September 23, 2006

High Tech

PG-Rated

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.  The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

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September 22, 2006

HMO

PG-Rated

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.  The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit  of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from  your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as  well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

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September 21, 2006

Eating with Children

G-Rated

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

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September 20, 2006

How to Tell ... with Flies

PG-Rated

Stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalkin around with a flyswatter. When I asked if he was gettin any flies, heanswered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females".

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September 19, 2006

It's a Puzzle, Alright

G-Rated

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

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September 18, 2006

How to Give 103%

PG-Rated

I thought you might appreciate the mathematical depth of this. We have all been to those meetings or have worked for someone where they want more than 100%. Here's to achieving 103%...

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September 17, 2006

Late Night Discussion

PG-Rated

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

See the rest of "Late Night Discussion"

September 16, 2006

Breaking News from the University!

PG-Rated

In response to the many positive comments concerning our new MA (Male Arts) degree, the Faculty Senate and Board of Trustees today gave their final approval to the PHD (Praise Husband Daily) degree. Enrollment will be limited to married females. This interdepartmental degree does not require a departmental major, but is rather a prescribed course of study with some available electives (see below). All courses, with the exception of elective courses, must be taken in sequence. The goal of this degree should attract many candidates: Become a Real Woman!

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule
FEM 101: Debunking the Feminine Mystique
FEM 102: Beginning Practical Plumbing
FEM 103: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
FEM 104: Why Men Would Rather Choose Their Own Neckties, Cufflinks, and Cologne (guest lecturers and required field trips)

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September 15, 2006

Top 10 Reasons to Go to Work Naked

G-Rated

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.

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September 14, 2006

Fascinating Facts from Biology

PG-Rated

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now, that's more like it!)

See the rest of "Fascinating Facts from Biology"

September 13, 2006

Natalie

PG-Rated

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

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September 12, 2006

Painted ceiling for a smoking area

G-Rated

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September 11, 2006

The Bear Blessing (w/ Penguins)

G-Rated

Wishing you, in your busy life...


Time for Relaxation

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September 10, 2006

Old Friends

G-Rated

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old?" well... You'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

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September 9, 2006

The Old Man, the Boy and the Donkey

PG-Rated

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding. The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

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September 8, 2006

Redneck Air Conditioning

G-Rated

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September 7, 2006

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

G-Rated

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

See the rest of "CATHOLIC GASOLINE"

September 6, 2006

Al Queida blow job

R-Rated

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September 5, 2006

Finish the Story

PG-Rated

Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

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September 4, 2006

Breakfast

PG-Rated

She was in the kitchen doing boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

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September 3, 2006

Spot the Fake

R-Rated

OK....From the Following seven pictures, can you spot the fake photo?

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September 2, 2006

Man of the House

G-Rated

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House".

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

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September 1, 2006

Virgin #1

PG-Rated

Al Qaeda leader "Abu Musab al-Zarqawi," killed by US Forces in Iraq, has just met with the first of the 72 virgins that Allah promised him...

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