August 31, 2006

God and Eve

G-Rated

"God, I've been thinking.." says Eve one day.

"What's on your mind Eve?" says God.

"Well, I know that you created me and this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful creatures, but lately I've been feeling that maybe there's more to life."

"Go on..." says God.

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August 30, 2006

Sippping Vodka

PG-Rated

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

See the rest of "Sippping Vodka"

August 29, 2006

Woodpecker

R-Rated

I don't know much about Woodpeckers, so I don't have! a clue as to what part of the country this picture of a GIANT Woodpecker was taken.

But, as far as Woodpeckers, it's got to be the biggest on record!

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August 28, 2006

Bad Year

G-Rated

Doesn`t have to be a Blonde...could be anyone!! Fill in your own blank...

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels .... Hellloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

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August 27, 2006

10 Puns

G-Rated

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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August 26, 2006

Priceless #234

PG-Rated

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August 25, 2006

Honda

G-Rated

A man was suffering from a terrible infliction. Every time he passed gas, it said "Honda". The man went to several specialists and none could figure it out. The man's wife was getting rather upset over the whole deal and insisted he try to find help.

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August 24, 2006

Man's Brain

R-Rated

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August 23, 2006

The Sky is Falling

PG-Rated

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

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August 22, 2006

Why Men Pee Standing Up

PG-Rated

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

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August 21, 2006

My Friend...

G-Rated

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself...

See the rest of "My Friend..."

August 20, 2006

Lunch Time

PG-Rated

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; Corned beef and cabbage." If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed; Burritos again." If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Redneck opened his lunch and said; "Bologna again." "If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

See the rest of "Lunch Time"

August 19, 2006

Hell hath no fury

G-Rated

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August 18, 2006

Reload

R-Rated

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

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August 17, 2006

Bill and Hillary

PG-Rated

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

See the rest of "Bill and Hillary"

August 16, 2006

Domain Names Without Thought?

PG-Rated

All of these are legitimate companies, dealing in regular products and services.

But they didn't quite 'Do the math' when it came time to choose their domain names:

(Mouse-over each URL to see why.)

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is http://www.WhoRepresents.com.

See the rest of "Domain Names Without Thought?"

August 15, 2006

Three Hillbillies

PG-Rated

Three Hillbillies are sitting n a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!She bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

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August 14, 2006

Problem Solved

G-Rated

Bring all our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle, and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military.

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August 13, 2006

The Purina Diet

PG-Rated

I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

See the rest of "The Purina Diet"

August 12, 2006

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

R-Rated

Well, it's sh*t... that's right, sh*t!

See the rest of "THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD"

August 11, 2006

The Over 40 Eye Test

R-Rated

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August 10, 2006

Van Gogh's Family Tree

G-Rated

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stop n Gogh

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August 9, 2006

The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing

PG-Rated

Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The going rate on the east coast now exceeds five digits!

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August 8, 2006

A Warning for Women

R-Rated

Please pass this on to any woman you know who use Safeway.

A new scam is being pulled on women mainly in broad daylight in Safeway car parks.

What happens is that when the intended victim goes back to her car to put her shopping in the trunk, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windscreen.

While he is doing this, another 2 young, handsome athletic men open the back doors of the car, jump in and insist the woman drive off with them to some lonely spot, where 2 have their wicked way with her and the other steals her handbag.

They are very good at this…

See the rest of "A Warning for Women"

August 7, 2006

Employee of the Month

PG-Rated

Now that's dedication...

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August 6, 2006

Customs Limit

PG-Rated

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

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August 5, 2006

Not Your Average Blonde

G-Rated

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

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August 4, 2006

Proof Positive of Global Warming

PG-Rated

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August 3, 2006

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

G-Rated

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

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August 2, 2006

Always ask your bartender first.

G-Rated

Jerry Lee went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink." "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

See the rest of "Always ask your bartender first."

August 1, 2006

The real reason people leave Florida

R-Rated

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