July 31, 2006

Office Romance

PG-Rated

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said "I'll give you $100.00 if you let me have sex with you."

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July 30, 2006

Vandalism at its best

G-Rated

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July 29, 2006

Head scratchers

G-Rated

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

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July 28, 2006

The Little Old Lady

PG-Rated

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

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July 27, 2006

Riddles

R-Rated

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

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July 26, 2006

I had my physical today

R-Rated

And I hate getting old...

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July 25, 2006

Cats and Lightbulbs

G-Rated

How many cats does it take to change a lightbulb.

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July 24, 2006

The Dolly Parton Car Jack

PG-Rated

Available now, at Walmart. Or is that Hooters?

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July 23, 2006

40 Things You would love to say out loud at work

R-Rated

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

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July 22, 2006

Sharing your bed with the dog (or cat)

G-Rated

"The Foot Rule"

There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s) in question.

This is how it works:

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July 21, 2006

Classic Lawyer Jokes

PG-Rated

The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

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July 20, 2006

Living Will

PG-Rated

Ever since the Terry Shaivo debacle there has been an increase of living wills from 10,000 a year to 40,000. This is our form for the New Living Will. I think this is the best living will form that I've seen, it's easy to understand, and it makes perfect sense as a will. It will help cut the paper work.

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July 19, 2006

Southern Zodiac

G-Rated

Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

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July 18, 2006

Water and Wine Education

R-Rated

WATER - It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

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July 17, 2006

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB - RELIGIOUSLY!

G-Rated

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

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July 16, 2006

The Sneeze

PG-Rated

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again.

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July 15, 2006

Good Dog

G-Rated

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July 14, 2006

Biker Chicks

G-Rated

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July 13, 2006

On Getting Old

G-Rated

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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July 12, 2006

Oh, to be the dog...

G-Rated

Notice to People Who Visit My Home:

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. Yes, they have some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?

See the rest of "Oh, to be the dog..."

July 11, 2006

Home Depot

G-Rated

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

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July 10, 2006

A Little ER Help

G-Rated

The other day, I had to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I went to the Army-Navy store, and bought some OD pants and a shirt. Then I sewed a couple of patches on which I grabbed from the internet..

It was amazing how many people left as I walked in.

I guess they suddenly decided they weren't that sick after all...

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July 9, 2006

Blonde Pregnancy Test

PG-Rated

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

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July 8, 2006

The Woman and The Banker

PG-Rated

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

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July 7, 2006

New Disease

PG-Rated

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and is pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.

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July 6, 2006

My Resume

G-Rated

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I >got canned, couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

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July 5, 2006

More Truisms

G-Rated

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

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July 4, 2006

A must for the outdoor grill

R-Rated

Maybe I'll have a hamburger instead.

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Noah

G-Rated

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

One: Don't miss the boat.

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July 3, 2006

The Point System for Men

PG-Rated

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.

Finally, this merit/de-merit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy, do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

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July 2, 2006

Two Cowboys

PG-Rated

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

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July 1, 2006

Cowboy's Last Wish

PG-Rated

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

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