July 31, 2006
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said "I'll give you $100.00 if you let me have sex with you."See the rest of "Office Romance"
July 30, 2006
Vandalism at its best
G-RatedSee the rest of "Vandalism at its best"
July 29, 2006
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.See the rest of "Head scratchers"
July 28, 2006
The Little Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."See the rest of "The Little Old Lady"
July 27, 2006
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
July 26, 2006
I had my physical today
And I hate getting old...See the rest of "I had my physical today"
July 25, 2006
Cats and Lightbulbs
How many cats does it take to change a lightbulb.See the rest of "Cats and Lightbulbs"
July 24, 2006
The Dolly Parton Car Jack
Available now, at Walmart. Or is that Hooters?See the rest of "The Dolly Parton Car Jack"
July 23, 2006
40 Things You would love to say out loud at work
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.See the rest of "40 Things You would love to say out loud at work"
July 22, 2006
Sharing your bed with the dog (or cat)
"The Foot Rule"
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s) in question.
This is how it works:See the rest of "Sharing your bed with the dog (or cat)"
July 21, 2006
Classic Lawyer Jokes
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.See the rest of "Classic Lawyer Jokes"
July 20, 2006
Ever since the Terry Shaivo debacle there has been an increase of living wills from 10,000 a year to 40,000. This is our form for the New Living Will. I think this is the best living will form that I've seen, it's easy to understand, and it makes perfect sense as a will. It will help cut the paper work.See the rest of "Living Will"
July 19, 2006
Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below:
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.See the rest of "Southern Zodiac"
July 18, 2006
Water and Wine Education
WATER - It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!See the rest of "Water and Wine Education"
July 17, 2006
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB - RELIGIOUSLY!
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
July 16, 2006
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again.See the rest of "The Sneeze"
July 15, 2006
G-RatedSee the rest of "Good Dog"
July 14, 2006
G-RatedSee the rest of "Biker Chicks"
July 13, 2006
On Getting Old
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.See the rest of "On Getting Old"
July 12, 2006
Oh, to be the dog...
Notice to People Who Visit My Home:
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. Yes, they have some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?See the rest of "Oh, to be the dog..."
July 11, 2006
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."See the rest of "Home Depot"
July 10, 2006
A Little ER Help
The other day, I had to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I went to the Army-Navy store, and bought some OD pants and a shirt. Then I sewed a couple of patches on which I grabbed from the internet..
It was amazing how many people left as I walked in.
I guess they suddenly decided they weren't that sick after all...See the rest of "A Little ER Help"
July 9, 2006
Blonde Pregnancy Test
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"See the rest of "Blonde Pregnancy Test"
July 8, 2006
The Woman and The Banker
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.See the rest of "The Woman and The Banker"
July 7, 2006
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and is pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.See the rest of "New Disease"
July 6, 2006
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I >got canned, couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.See the rest of "My Resume"
July 5, 2006
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.See the rest of "More Truisms"
July 4, 2006
A must for the outdoor grill
Maybe I'll have a hamburger instead.See the rest of "A must for the outdoor grill"
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
One: Don't miss the boat.See the rest of "Noah"
July 3, 2006
The Point System for Men
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing
Finally, this merit/de-merit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy, do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
July 2, 2006
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.See the rest of "Two Cowboys"
July 1, 2006
Cowboy's Last Wish
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.See the rest of "Cowboy's Last Wish"