June 30, 2006

A Proper Man

PG-Rated

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

See the rest of "A Proper Man"

June 29, 2006

Rehabilitation

R-Rated

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

See the rest of "Rehabilitation"

June 28, 2006

GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY

G-Rated

CATS:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

See the rest of "GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY"

June 27, 2006

LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

G-Rated

San Diego, California... A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

See the rest of "LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA"

June 26, 2006

Nightware

R-Rated

Why You Should Always Wear Your Pajamas to Bed!

See the rest of "Nightware"

June 25, 2006

Advice

G-Rated

Hi

You may be able to help me.

As always, when I need advice or counsel I turn to my most trusted friends. I do this because I know you will always be candid and honest with me. I need your opinion on something that has been bothering me for some time now. I am counting on you so please don't let our long lasting friendship influence your answer:

See the rest of "Advice"

June 24, 2006

The Princess

PG-Rated

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.!

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

See the rest of "The Princess"

June 23, 2006

Canadian Health Care

G-Rated

Two patients limp into two different Canadian medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

See the rest of "Canadian Health Care"

June 22, 2006

The New Element

G-Rated

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

See the rest of "The New Element"

June 21, 2006

Top Country & Western Songs

PG-Rated

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

See the rest of "Top Country & Western Songs"

June 20, 2006

FOUR U.S. PRESIDENTS IN THE LAND OF OZ

G-Rated

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."

See the rest of "FOUR U.S. PRESIDENTS IN THE LAND OF OZ"

June 19, 2006

Zero to 200

G-Rated

Ed was in deep trouble. He'd forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. IT BETTER BE THERE".

See the rest of "Zero to 200"

June 18, 2006

Pharmacology

PG-Rated

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

See the rest of "Pharmacology"

June 17, 2006

If Oil Prices Keep Going Up

G-Rated

See the rest of "If Oil Prices Keep Going Up"

June 16, 2006

Bird Flu hits Florida Trailer Park

G-Rated

Scary:

See the rest of "Bird Flu hits Florida Trailer Park"

June 15, 2006

High Tech News

PG-Rated

A division of British music giant Virgin Records announced today it has developed a microchip which stores and plays music and can be implanted in a woman's breasts.

See the rest of "High Tech News"

June 14, 2006

What's Your IQ?

G-Rated

A man walks into a bar that has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, bio mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nana-technology, etc.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot.

See the rest of "What's Your IQ?"

June 13, 2006

Your House

G-Rated

Your house as seen by . . .

Yourself:

See the rest of "Your House"

June 12, 2006

The Code

PG-Rated

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

See the rest of "The Code"

June 11, 2006

Alien Sex

PG-Rated

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

See the rest of "Alien Sex"

June 10, 2006

Math Homework

PG-Rated

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

See the rest of "Math Homework"

June 9, 2006

Baby Fat

G-Rated

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

See the rest of "Baby Fat"

June 8, 2006

Where Would You Be?

G-Rated

Where would you be if....

You have all the money your heart desires & you have no worries.

You come home and the finest meal is awaiting you.

Your bathwater has been run...

See the rest of "Where Would You Be?"

June 7, 2006

New Highway Sign

PG-Rated

See the rest of "New Highway Sign"

June 6, 2006

The Old West has Changed

PG-Rated

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Freakin' Gay Cowboy Movie...

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

See the rest of "The Old West has Changed"

June 5, 2006

Holy Water

G-Rated

Jerry, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Jerry's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

See the rest of "Holy Water"

June 4, 2006

Computer Problem

G-Rated

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jimmy the computer guy, to come over. Jimmy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

See the rest of "Computer Problem"

June 3, 2006

Men strike back!

PG-Rated

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

See the rest of "Men strike back!"

June 2, 2006

Airline Industry Fix

PG-Rated

Our airline industry is in real trouble, and it's time to start fixing this before it's too late. To that end, here are some modest suggestions:

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

See the rest of "Airline Industry Fix"

June 1, 2006

Lumber JACK

R-Rated

See the rest of "Lumber JACK"