May 31, 2006

Sissy

G-Rated

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.

"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

See the rest of "Sissy"

May 30, 2006

Gas Prices and Ilegal Immigrants

PG-Rated

My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.

See the rest of "Gas Prices and Ilegal Immigrants"

May 29, 2006

State Police

G-Rated

In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to the single digits or below.

About 3 a.m. one very cold morning in march 2004, a state police officer responded to a call: there was a car off the shoulder of the road on the outskirts of casper. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running.

See the rest of "State Police"

May 28, 2006

The Power of Photoshop

PG-Rated

See if you can identify these politicians.

See the rest of "The Power of Photoshop"

May 27, 2006

The Koala and the Little Lizard

PG-Rated

A koala is sitting up a gumtree

smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says

"HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"

See the rest of "The Koala and the Little Lizard"

May 26, 2006

PRESIDENTIAL JOGGING

PG-Rated

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

See the rest of "PRESIDENTIAL JOGGING"

May 25, 2006

The BBQ

G-Rated

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

See the rest of "The BBQ"

May 24, 2006

Alfred E. Who?

G-Rated

Did you ever wonder what happened to the guy from Mad Magazine?

See the rest of "Alfred E. Who?"

May 23, 2006

Elementary Motherhood

G-Rated

Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

See the rest of "Elementary Motherhood"

May 22, 2006

To Convert A Bear

PG-Rated

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

See the rest of "To Convert A Bear"

May 21, 2006

Father's Day is Coming

PG-Rated

The perfect Gift?

See the rest of "Father's Day is Coming"

May 20, 2006

For Heaven's Sake

G-Rated

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

See the rest of "For Heaven's Sake"

May 19, 2006

Baby Airplanes

PG-Rated

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy,who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

See the rest of "Baby Airplanes"

May 18, 2006

Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

PG-Rated

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called ...they found your head..

Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.

See the rest of "Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See"

May 17, 2006

Oil Change Instructions

G-Rated

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00

==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

See the rest of "Oil Change Instructions"

May 16, 2006

NBA OR NFL?

G-Rated

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

See the rest of "NBA OR NFL?"

May 15, 2006

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

PG-Rated

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

See the rest of "The Lone Ranger and Tonto"

May 14, 2006

EXTREME Redneck

PG-Rated

You're An EXTREME Redneck When....

1. You let your 15-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

See the rest of "EXTREME Redneck"

May 13, 2006

Belly Button Tattoos

X-Rated

X-Rated Tattoos

See the rest of "Belly Button Tattoos"

May 12, 2006

Good bye Daddy

PG-Rated

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and Listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma and
good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the Thing to do."

See the rest of "Good bye Daddy"

May 11, 2006

Friendship

PG-Rated

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

See the rest of "Friendship"

May 10, 2006

Bumper Stickers

G-Rated

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

See the rest of "Bumper Stickers"

May 9, 2006

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

G-Rated

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

See the rest of "HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE"

May 8, 2006

Pork

G-Rated

TO: Honorable Senator Porky Earmark
Washington, D.C

Dear Sir,

I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took my old trailer and beat up car. I thought I might go into business to supplement my welfare check.

See the rest of "Pork"

May 7, 2006

If not there, your turn is coming............

G-Rated

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

See the rest of "If not there, your turn is coming............"

About Sex

PG-Rated

Quotes about sex by famous folks...

Tom Clancy:
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Steve Martin:
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

See the rest of "About Sex"

May 6, 2006

Water

G-Rated

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....

“Da-ad...."

"What?"

See the rest of "Water"

May 5, 2006

The Cat

PG-Rated

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

See the rest of "The Cat"

May 4, 2006

Creative Toiletry

PG-Rated

See the rest of "Creative Toiletry"

May 3, 2006

PONDERISMS

G-Rated

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

See the rest of "PONDERISMS"

May 2, 2006

Word Gender

PG-Rated

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

See the rest of "Word Gender"

May 1, 2006

Playful...... Pinched........

PG-Rated

A man playfully pinched his wife on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control-top pantyhose." Then he pinched her on the breasts and said, "And if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bras."

See the rest of "Playful...... Pinched........"