April 30, 2006

Arkansas SAT Answers

G-Rated

The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

See the rest of "Arkansas SAT Answers"

April 29, 2006

The Rest of Your Life

R-Rated

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

See the rest of "The Rest of Your Life"

April 28, 2006

Tattoo

R-Rated

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

" A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

See the rest of "Tattoo"

April 27, 2006

Word Play II

G-Rated

[I always view these supposed "Washington Post" contests with some skepticism. Quite often they're simply not real, other times they're much older than they claim. In any case, they're funny, so ... -Funnyman]

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. coffee, n.
the person upon whom one coughs.

See the rest of "Word Play II"

April 26, 2006

Word Play

G-Rated

[I always view these supposed "Washington Post" contests with some skepticism. Quite often they're simply not real, other times they're much older than they claim. But in any case, they're funny, so ... -Funnyman]

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

See the rest of "Word Play"

April 25, 2006

Less painful than a shot

PG-Rated

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

See the rest of "Less painful than a shot"

April 24, 2006

Bubba goes to France

G-Rated

Bubba, a furniture dealer in West Virginia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

See the rest of "Bubba goes to France"

April 23, 2006

Balance

G-Rated

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day. he inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

See the rest of "Balance"

April 22, 2006

Hilary's Indian Name

R-Rated

Senator Hilary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

See the rest of "Hilary's Indian Name"

April 21, 2006

Sights you may not see in a lifetime

G-Rated

See the rest of "Sights you may not see in a lifetime"

April 20, 2006

Computer Viruses

G-Rated

Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

See the rest of "Computer Viruses"

April 19, 2006

Ever had one of those days?

PG-Rated

See the rest of "Ever had one of those days?"

April 18, 2006

VERY non-PC Q and A

X-Rated

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

See the rest of "VERY non-PC Q and A"

April 17, 2006

Brokeback Mountain

R-Rated

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush,You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

See the rest of "Brokeback Mountain"

April 16, 2006

Hollywood Squares

PG-Rated

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

See the rest of "Hollywood Squares"

April 15, 2006

Italian Wedding Night

PG-Rated

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she wazza very nervous. Her mother reassured her;

"Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man.. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.".........

See the rest of "Italian Wedding Night"

April 14, 2006

Married to a smart ass

PG-Rated

While watching the ball game on TV last year, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

See the rest of "Married to a smart ass"

April 13, 2006

Pending Marriage

PG-Rated

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful, sexy younger sister.

One day my "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

See the rest of "Pending Marriage"

April 12, 2006

Dear IRS

G-Rated

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

See the rest of "Dear IRS"

April 11, 2006

Redneck Divorce Letter

G-Rated

Dear Cooter,

Me an Sue Ellen have divorced. The judge gave her the double wide and the pickup.

So, like the court order said, I delivered the truck before 2 o'clock yesterday afternoon. I took a picshure fer proof that I delivered it...wanted to make shor she found it when she got home!!!

How's your day going? See ya later,

Your Buddy,
Bubba

See the rest of "Redneck Divorce Letter"

April 10, 2006

Blond Collection

G-Rated

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Arkansas were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida..?????"

See the rest of "Blond Collection"

April 9, 2006

Dear Tide Co.

PG-Rated

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I'm in my 50s, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate & uncaring husband started to berate me about how stupid and clumsy I was, and in general started being a pain in the neck.

See the rest of "Dear Tide Co."

April 8, 2006

Golden Years

G-Rated

Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age...

For example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop down on High Street. I was only in there for about 10 minutes.

When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

See the rest of "Golden Years"

April 7, 2006

Florida Biker with His Babe

G-Rated

See the rest of "Florida Biker with His Babe"

April 6, 2006

Bear Remover

PG-Rated

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for Bear Removers. He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

See the rest of "Bear Remover"

April 5, 2006

Voodoo

R-Rated

A Husband was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife. He started talking to the old man behind the counter and he explained his situation.

See the rest of "Voodoo"

April 4, 2006

Group Therapy

PG-Rated

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," she observed.

To the first mother, Mary, she said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

See the rest of "Group Therapy"

April 3, 2006

The Deal

PG-Rated

A pretty, young blonde woman in Nova Scotia was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

See the rest of "The Deal"

April 2, 2006

How bad could it be?

G-Rated

The author of this is 58 years old about 6'3" and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is quite an intelligent person...

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)

I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 12th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

See the rest of "How bad could it be?"

April 1, 2006

Best one EVER

G-Rated

See the rest of "Best one EVER"