April 30, 2006
Arkansas SAT Answers
G-Rated
The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
April 29, 2006
The Rest of Your Life
R-Rated
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
See the rest of "The Rest of Your Life"April 28, 2006
Tattoo
R-Rated
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
" A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
See the rest of "Tattoo"April 27, 2006
Word Play II
G-Rated
[I always view these supposed "Washington Post" contests with some skepticism. Quite often they're simply not real, other times they're much older than they claim. In any case, they're funny, so ... -Funnyman]
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. coffee, n.
the person upon whom one coughs.
April 26, 2006
Word Play
G-Rated
[I always view these supposed "Washington Post" contests with some skepticism. Quite often they're simply not real, other times they're much older than they claim. But in any case, they're funny, so ... -Funnyman]
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's {2005} winners:
1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for
an indefinite period of time.
April 25, 2006
Less painful than a shot
PG-Rated
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
See the rest of "Less painful than a shot"April 24, 2006
Bubba goes to France
G-Rated
Bubba, a furniture dealer in West Virginia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
See the rest of "Bubba goes to France"April 23, 2006
Balance
G-Rated
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day. he inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
See the rest of "Balance"April 22, 2006
Hilary's Indian Name
R-Rated
Senator Hilary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.
See the rest of "Hilary's Indian Name"April 21, 2006
Sights you may not see in a lifetime
G-Rated
April 20, 2006
Computer Viruses
G-Rated
Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
See the rest of "Computer Viruses"April 19, 2006
Ever had one of those days?
PG-Rated
See the rest of "Ever had one of those days?"April 18, 2006
VERY non-PC Q and A
X-Rated
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
April 17, 2006
Brokeback Mountain
R-Rated
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush,You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
See the rest of "Brokeback Mountain"April 16, 2006
Hollywood Squares
PG-Rated
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
April 15, 2006
Italian Wedding Night
PG-Rated
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she wazza very nervous. Her mother reassured her;
"Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man.. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.".........
See the rest of "Italian Wedding Night"April 14, 2006
Married to a smart ass
PG-Rated
While watching the ball game on TV last year, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
See the rest of "Married to a smart ass"April 13, 2006
Pending Marriage
PG-Rated
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful, sexy younger sister.
One day my "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
See the rest of "Pending Marriage"April 12, 2006
Dear IRS
G-Rated
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
See the rest of "Dear IRS"April 11, 2006
Redneck Divorce Letter
G-Rated
Dear Cooter,
Me an Sue Ellen have divorced. The judge gave her the double wide and the pickup.
So, like the court order said, I delivered the truck before 2 o'clock yesterday afternoon. I took a picshure fer proof that I delivered it...wanted to make shor she found it when she got home!!!
How's your day going? See ya later,
Your Buddy,
Bubba
April 10, 2006
Blond Collection
G-Rated
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Arkansas were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says
to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida..?????"
April 09, 2006
Dear Tide Co.
PG-Rated
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I'm in my 50s, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate & uncaring husband started to berate me about how stupid and clumsy I was, and in general started being a pain in the neck.
See the rest of "Dear Tide Co."April 08, 2006
Golden Years
G-Rated
Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age...
For example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop down on High Street. I was only in there for about 10 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
See the rest of "Golden Years"April 07, 2006
Florida Biker with His Babe
G-Rated
See the rest of "Florida Biker with His Babe"April 06, 2006
Bear Remover
PG-Rated
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for Bear Removers. He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
See the rest of "Bear Remover"April 05, 2006
Voodoo
R-Rated
A Husband was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife. He started talking to the old man behind the counter and he explained his situation.
See the rest of "Voodoo"April 04, 2006
Group Therapy
PG-Rated
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," she observed.
To the first mother, Mary, she said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
See the rest of "Group Therapy"April 03, 2006
The Deal
PG-Rated
A pretty, young blonde woman in Nova Scotia was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
See the rest of "The Deal"April 02, 2006
How bad could it be?
G-Rated
The author of this is 58 years old about 6'3" and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is quite an intelligent person...
Dear Friends,
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)
I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 12th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
See the rest of "How bad could it be?"