February 28, 2006

Public Toilet

G-Rated

This is a picture of a public toilet in Houston:

Now that you've seen the outside view, take a look at the inside view:

See the rest of "Public Toilet"

February 27, 2006

Random Thoughts

G-Rated

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

See the rest of "Random Thoughts"

February 26, 2006

Bears

PG-Rated

Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder; he turned around and saw a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, "Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex." Don decided to bend over.

See the rest of "Bears"

NEW WORDS FOR 2006

G-Rated

[Once again, this one's been around for a while, and only the date was changed when this came across my inbox recently. -FunnyMan]

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace.

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

See the rest of "NEW WORDS FOR 2006"

February 25, 2006

Isn't it amazing...

G-Rated

To all the kids who survived the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's & 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

See the rest of "Isn't it amazing..."

February 24, 2006

Fishing

PG-Rated

On Saturday morning I got up early, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage and hooked up the boat to the truck. Then while coming out of the garage I saw that rain is pouring down; it is a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

See the rest of "Fishing"

February 23, 2006

TGIF

PG-Rated

The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a blonde woman already inside greeted me by saying,

"T - G - I - F."

I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."

See the rest of "TGIF"

February 22, 2006

New Airport Screening Procedure

R-Rated

See the rest of "New Airport Screening Procedure"

February 21, 2006

Proof that the world is nuts!

PG-Rated

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is Punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

See the rest of "Proof that the world is nuts!"

February 20, 2006

Ever See a Quarterhorse?

G-Rated

Now I understand why they're called that.

See the rest of "Ever See a Quarterhorse?"

February 19, 2006

One Happy Farmer

R-Rated

See the rest of "One Happy Farmer"

February 18, 2006

Invitation

PG-Rated

Interested in a little hunting?

See the rest of "Invitation"

Horse For Sale

G-Rated

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale." Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "no, no," counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!" The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."

See the rest of "Horse For Sale"

February 17, 2006

Stress Management Technique

PG-Rated

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

See the rest of "Stress Management Technique"

February 16, 2006

North Dakota

PG-Rated

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . . . .

He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

See the rest of "North Dakota"

February 15, 2006

Costello Buys a Computer

G-Rated

by Tom King © 2004 - Some rights Reserved - used by permission of the author

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

ABBOTT:.......... Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:..... Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT:.......... Mac?

COSTELLO:..... No, the name's Lou.

See the rest of "Costello Buys a Computer"

February 14, 2006

Colorado Barbie

G-Rated

[For all my friends in Colorado; you know who you are :-) -FunnyMan]

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Colorado Market:

Highlands Ranch Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

See the rest of "Colorado Barbie"

February 13, 2006

Ten Commandments

G-Rated

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?

See the rest of "Ten Commandments"

February 12, 2006

Our Constitution

G-Rated

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.

Why don't we just give them ours?

See the rest of "Our Constitution"

February 11, 2006

Zero Gravity

G-Rated

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

See the rest of "Zero Gravity"

February 10, 2006

Poor Carlos

R-Rated

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, model danced before them.

See the rest of "Poor Carlos"

Doctors

PG-Rated

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to:
"Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign again.

See the rest of "Doctors"

February 9, 2006

The Elevator

G-Rated

[OK, so this one, in various forms or another has been around for years. It's even been debunked on Snopes.com. But it's still funny... -funnyman]

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

See the rest of "The Elevator"

February 8, 2006

The sheep and the girlfriend

PG-Rated

Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

See the rest of "The sheep and the girlfriend"

February 7, 2006

The Difference

PG-Rated

Until now I never fully understood how to tell, The difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.

Which of these two birds is a female? Study them closely. See if you can spot which of the two is the female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

See the rest of "The Difference"

February 6, 2006

Office 2006 is here!

PG-Rated

[Even though this came across as "Office 2006", it's actually been running around for some time. ed.]

These are the latest features for the new 2006 business computers!

See the rest of "Office 2006 is here!"

February 5, 2006

A House in Heaven

G-Rated

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Peyton." God said. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

See the rest of "A House in Heaven"

February 4, 2006

The Husband Store

G-Rated

A store that sells husbands opened in New York City - where a woman may go to choose a husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit our store ONLY ONCE. There are six floors, and the attributes of the men change as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a rule: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, upon hearing of the grand opening, a woman promptly goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

See the rest of "The Husband Store"

February 3, 2006

Weight Loss Program

G-Rated

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/10-lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

See the rest of "Weight Loss Program"

February 2, 2006

THE YEAR 1955

G-Rated

Comments made in the year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

See the rest of "THE YEAR 1955"

February 1, 2006

NATION WIDE DOG SEARCH MAY BE OVER

PG-Rated

As most of you already know, former President Clinton's dog, Buddy, was killed a couple of weeks ago when he ran out in front of an automobile. A nationwide search has been underway to find a replacement for the grieving ex-president. Here is a picture of the leading candidate.

See the rest of "NATION WIDE DOG SEARCH MAY BE OVER"