January 31, 2006

Painful Gandhi Pun...

G-Rated

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....

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January 29, 2006

Redneck Facts

G-Rated

Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."

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January 28, 2006

Taxi Driver

G-Rated

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder in order to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

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January 27, 2006

A Love Story

PG-Rated

I will seek and find you . . .

I will take you to bed and control you . . .

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Girls and Boys

PG-Rated

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they sat together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day!

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January 26, 2006

If Men Had Invented Bras

PG-Rated

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January 25, 2006

NEW RULES for 2006

PG-Rated

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

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January 24, 2006

Dangerous Drug

PG-Rated

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

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January 23, 2006

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN

G-Rated

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan. 30, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY OF CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself? -----Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

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January 22, 2006

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

G-Rated

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

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January 21, 2006

THE 5 STAGES OF A FEMALE'S LIFE

R-Rated

1. To Grow Up

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The Value of Undies

G-Rated

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

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January 20, 2006

An Attractive Woman

G-Rated

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet  rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender,  who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

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January 19, 2006

Minnesota Women

G-Rated

 Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida and one from Minnesota. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

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January 18, 2006

Golf

PG-Rated

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who he is serving.

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January 17, 2006

Explain God

G-Rated

It was written by an 8-year-old, Danny Dutton of Chula Vista, CA, for his third-grade homework assignment. The assignment was to explain God. Wonder if any of us could do as well?"

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leaves that to mothers and fathers.

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January 16, 2006

The Wedding Night

PG-Rated

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night,
she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together.

See the rest of "The Wedding Night"

January 15, 2006

Man of the House

PG-Rated

For all those guys who are King... at least until their wife gets home. ...

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

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January 14, 2006

Working The System

G-Rated

I was going to bed the other night when my neighbor called me and told me that I had left my shed light on. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in my shed taking things to their truck.

I quickly phoned the Miami-Dade County (Fla.) Sheriff's Department, but they told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they would be available.

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January 13, 2006

The Age Barometer

G-Rated

Count how many you remember...

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January 12, 2006

Name Change

R-Rated

A good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with extensive experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

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Help from Canada

G-Rated

You may have heard that the Canadian government has decided to assist the USA in the war against terrorism. They have agreed to send:

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January 11, 2006

Prayers

PG-Rated

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep...

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January 10, 2006

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device

G-Rated

Trade named: BOOK

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

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January 9, 2006

Guts? Or Balls?

PG-Rated

We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

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January 8, 2006

Real Ads...

PG-Rated

From a dogfood company in New Zealand

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January 7, 2006

Does Mr. Webster know about these?

G-Rated

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
A.Female................Any part under a car's hood.
B.Male..................The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

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January 6, 2006

No sense of humor

PG-Rated

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

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January 5, 2006

Every Man's Favorite Street Corner

PG-Rated

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January 4, 2006

Grandpa's new Cowboy Boots

PG-Rated

An elderly couple is vacationing in the Sun City West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

Upon arriving home, He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

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January 3, 2006

Bill, Al and Dubya

G-Rated

Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

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January 2, 2006

Analogy?

G-Rated

Men are like fine wine.

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January 1, 2006

The Ranch Hand

PG-Rated

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

See the rest of "The Ranch Hand"