December 31, 2005

The Mammogram

PG-Rated

The Mammiogram

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

See the rest of "The Mammogram"

December 30, 2005

Speeding Ticket

PG-Rated

This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

See the rest of "Speeding Ticket"

December 29, 2005

Huge Problem

PG-Rated

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

See the rest of "Huge Problem"

December 28, 2005

The Painting

PG-Rated

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

See the rest of "The Painting"

December 27, 2005

Speeding Ticket

G-Rated

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. 'There's no way they can catch a BMW,' he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, 'What the heck am I doing?' he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

See the rest of "Speeding Ticket"

December 26, 2005

The Bronze Rat

G-Rated

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

See the rest of "The Bronze Rat"

December 25, 2005

Life's Lessons Learned

G-Rated

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here are 19 things I've discovered:

ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

See the rest of "Life's Lessons Learned"

December 24, 2005

Cat Lovers Twelve Days of Christmas

G-Rated

Ok, sing along, cat lovers!

On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree My 12
cats were laughing at me

See the rest of "Cat Lovers Twelve Days of Christmas"

December 23, 2005

Tomato Gardener

PG-Rated

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

See the rest of "Tomato Gardener"

December 22, 2005

The Next Survivor

G-Rated

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Mark Burnett, producer of "Survivor" plans to enlist 12 men, who will be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each of whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or dance class), and no access to Fast food.

See the rest of "The Next Survivor"

American History

PG-Rated

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Very good! Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth'"?

See the rest of "American History"

Dear Pilot...

R-Rated

See the rest of "Dear Pilot..."

December 21, 2005

One Tough Cowboy

PG-Rated

A rude New Yorker and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire on the car. Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.

He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tire and for her just to wait there.

See the rest of "One Tough Cowboy"

Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow. OW!

PG-Rated

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

See the rest of "Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow. OW!"

December 20, 2005

Morality Question

G-Rated

[This has been around for a while, with various targets]

I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one you would do.

The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed.

See the rest of "Morality Question"

December 19, 2005

The Truth (according to some women...)

PG-Rated

What we're looking for...

See the rest of "The Truth (according to some women...)"

December 17, 2005

Good Old Boys

PG-Rated

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior."We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

See the rest of "Good Old Boys"

Onions and the Christmas Tree

R-Rated

A family is sitting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father said ask away. The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

See the rest of "Onions and the Christmas Tree"

December 16, 2005

How Rednecks Put Up The Christmas Reindeer

PG-Rated

See the rest of "How Rednecks Put Up The Christmas Reindeer"

December 15, 2005

Mount Sinai Hospital

PG-Rated

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

See the rest of "Mount Sinai Hospital"

December 14, 2005

Big Friendly Giants

PG-Rated

"The Tall People of the World" is an organization for large people, and members are only accepted after proving they are at least 6 feet 5 inches tall.

Most of the members are players from the NBA, but the current president was just a tall man who worked in finance.

See the rest of "Big Friendly Giants"

December 13, 2005

Unions

G-Rated

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

See the rest of "Unions"

December 12, 2005

Men & Women - Q&A

PG-Rated

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

See the rest of "Men & Women - Q&A"

December 11, 2005

The Power Company

R-Rated

I complained about my recent electric bill and here's the response !!

Dear Electric Customer,

Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice.

See the rest of "The Power Company"

Tonto

PG-Rated

An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo crap in the other. He says to the waiter "Me want coffee."

The waiter says "Sure Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of crap, throws it in the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

See the rest of "Tonto"

December 10, 2005

Involuntary Contractions

PG-Rated

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

See the rest of "Involuntary Contractions"

December 9, 2005

Truisms

G-Rated

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

See the rest of "Truisms"

December 7, 2005

He belongs in what grade?

PG-Rated

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

See the rest of "He belongs in what grade?"

How to know when it's cold enough to put up the ornaments

R-Rated

See the rest of "How to know when it's cold enough to put up the ornaments"

December 5, 2005

The Vet

PG-Rated

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

See the rest of "The Vet"

December 4, 2005

Behold the power of Beer

R-Rated

See the rest of "Behold the power of Beer"

Inner Peace

G-Rated

I think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.

See the rest of "Inner Peace"

December 3, 2005

Marriage

PG-Rated

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.

See the rest of "Marriage"

December 2, 2005

IQ Test

G-Rated

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your evening......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

See the rest of "IQ Test"

December 1, 2005

Church Bulletins

PG-Rated

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

See the rest of "Church Bulletins"