October 31, 2005

Deer Tick Warning

G-Rated

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings... but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

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October 30, 2005

Mother in law humor

PG-Rated

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

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October 29, 2005

Why I fired my secretary

G-Rated

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

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Some Halloween costumes are just wrong

R-Rated

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October 28, 2005

Where *do* they come from?

PG-Rated

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

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October 27, 2005

Why Women Live Longer than Men

G-Rated

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The Clinton Library Is Opened

PG-Rated

The CLINTON LIBRARY is opened now.... and they have revealed the Official Portrait:

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October 26, 2005

Correct Beer Temperature

R-Rated

For the true and discriminating aficionado, a glass of the finest beer should only be partaken if it is the correct temperature. The subtle nuance of the melded grains, the fragile and fleeting taste of the brewers art, can only be truly appreciated if that golden elixir is properly chilled.

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Animals Are Really People in Disguise...

G-Rated


WHAT PART OF QUIET DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND??

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Understanding Men

G-Rated

"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

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October 25, 2005

Hillary and the School Kids

G-Rated

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk, she has a "question & answer" period. One little boy raises his hand and the Senator asks him for his name.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have two questions:

1st-Why would you want to run for President after your husband shamed the office?

2nd-Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.

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Martha...

G-Rated

Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars.

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The state of the law...

G-Rated

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?

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October 24, 2005

Best Drunk Story Ever

PG-Rated

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your mom's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

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October 23, 2005

Three ducks go into a bar...

PG-Rated

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

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October 22, 2005

Ethics Test

G-Rated

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

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October 17, 2005

Little Johnny

R-Rated

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?

" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

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October 16, 2005

The Psychic

G-Rated

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

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Wanna see my boobees?

G-Rated

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October 12, 2005

The Box Under Bill and Hillary's Bed

PG-Rated

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

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October 11, 2005

Slogans

PG-Rated

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The top ten were:

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October 9, 2005

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

G-Rated

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

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October 7, 2005

Birds of a Feather

PG-Rated

Birds of a feather flock together ... and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

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October 3, 2005

An updated fairy tale

PG-Rated

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

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