August 28, 2005

For the boys

PG-Rated

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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August 27, 2005

Nuns at the ballpark

PG-Rated

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

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August 26, 2005

For the animal lovers...

G-Rated

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Kodak Moments

G-Rated


Deadbeat Dad

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Catholic Trivia

G-Rated

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

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August 24, 2005

Duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!

PG-Rated

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He goes over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up,"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

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August 23, 2005

Redneck Newlyweds

PG-Rated

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."

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August 21, 2005

BUTCH THE ROOSTER

PG-Rated

BUTCH THE ROOSTER

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

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August 20, 2005

ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

G-Rated

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2 A day without sunshine is like -- night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

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August 19, 2005

Some People Are Idiots

PG-Rated

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.

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August 18, 2005

Surgeons

PG-Rated

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

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August 17, 2005

Sun Worshipper

G-Rated

The sun loving Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

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August 14, 2005

The American Way

G-Rated

Two teams of American and Japanese corporations have a boat race. On the big day the Japanese win by a mile and the discouraged Americans hire a consulting firm to investigate the problem.

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The Power that is Beer

PG-Rated

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Fire Hazard

PG-Rated

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August 12, 2005

Surgery

R-Rated

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vagina lips reduced because they were flapping in the breeze.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

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The Kiss!!

G-Rated

He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.

She is pregnant.

The firefighter was afraid of her.

When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.

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August 8, 2005

OSAMA & THE GENIE

PG-Rated

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle on a beach and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

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August 7, 2005

The Lawyer and United Way

G-Rated

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful trial lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

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August 6, 2005

Tales from the rear

PG-Rated

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

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August 4, 2005

Dingaling

PG-Rated

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day, the officer decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

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