August 28, 2005
For the boys
PG-Rated
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
August 27, 2005
Nuns at the ballpark
PG-Rated
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
See the rest of "Nuns at the ballpark"August 26, 2005
For the animal lovers...
G-Rated
Kodak Moments
G-Rated
Deadbeat Dad
Catholic Trivia
G-Rated
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
See the rest of "Catholic Trivia"August 24, 2005
Duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
PG-Rated
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He goes over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up,"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
See the rest of "Duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!"August 23, 2005
Redneck Newlyweds
PG-Rated
A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."
See the rest of "Redneck Newlyweds"August 21, 2005
BUTCH THE ROOSTER
PG-Rated
BUTCH THE ROOSTERJohn the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
See the rest of "BUTCH THE ROOSTER"August 20, 2005
ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
G-Rated
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2 A day without sunshine is like -- night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
See the rest of "ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY"August 19, 2005
Some People Are Idiots
PG-Rated
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.
See the rest of "Some People Are Idiots"August 18, 2005
Surgeons
PG-Rated
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
See the rest of "Surgeons"August 17, 2005
Sun Worshipper
G-Rated
The sun loving Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
See the rest of "Sun Worshipper"August 14, 2005
The American Way
G-Rated
Two teams of American and Japanese corporations have a boat race. On the big day the Japanese win by a mile and the discouraged Americans hire a consulting firm to investigate the problem.
See the rest of "The American Way"The Power that is Beer
PG-Rated
See the rest of "The Power that is Beer"Fire Hazard
PG-Rated
See the rest of "Fire Hazard"August 12, 2005
Surgery
R-Rated
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vagina lips reduced because they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
See the rest of "Surgery"The Kiss!!
G-Rated
He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.
She is pregnant.
The firefighter was afraid of her.
When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.
See the rest of "The Kiss!!"August 8, 2005
OSAMA & THE GENIE
PG-Rated
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle on a beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
See the rest of "OSAMA & THE GENIE"August 7, 2005
The Lawyer and United Way
G-Rated
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful trial lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
See the rest of "The Lawyer and United Way"August 6, 2005
Tales from the rear
PG-Rated
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
See the rest of "Tales from the rear"August 4, 2005
Dingaling
PG-Rated
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day, the officer decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
See the rest of "Dingaling"