July 30, 2005

Letter from a farm kid turned Marine...

G-Rated

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

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July 26, 2005

Dellivering Chimpanzees

G-Rated

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

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July 25, 2005

Shopping

G-Rated

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

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The Perfect Gynaecologist

X-Rated

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July 24, 2005

You've been drinking again

PG-Rated

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

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How they get the lime in Pepsi

PG-Rated

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July 21, 2005

Not for sensitive male readers...

R-Rated

1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

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July 17, 2005

What Peace Looks Like

G-Rated

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July 15, 2005

Bush versus Osama

PG-Rated

President Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

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July 14, 2005

Don't dump a clever woman

G-Rated

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

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July 13, 2005

How NOT to take a picture of your cat

X-Rated

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July 12, 2005

Things Change

PG-Rated

It's funny how, as we get older, our priorities change.

The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.

"Tie me up and you can do anything you want", she purred.

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Windows 2005 - Special Edition

G-Rated

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2005 TENNESSEE EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of TENNESSEE.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The TENNESSEE EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2005, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

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July 8, 2005

Viagra Irish Style

PG-Rated

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

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July 2, 2005

IRAQI Consitution

G-Rated

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?

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One of these is not like the others

R-Rated

OK, maybe two...

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July 1, 2005

More Cat Haiku

G-Rated

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

See the rest of "More Cat Haiku"