June 30, 2005

Cows

G-Rated

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls.

See the rest of "Cows"

June 29, 2005

The Iraqi Football Star

G-Rated

Andy Reid had put together the perfect Eagles team, missing only a stud quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer to guarantee a Super Bowl win. One night he was watching a war-zone scene in Iraq on TV. In the background of one shot, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with a truly incredible arm.

See the rest of "The Iraqi Football Star"

June 26, 2005

New Meanings

G-Rated

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.

See the rest of "New Meanings"

June 25, 2005

The 5 questions most feared by men

PG-Rated

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, Dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

See the rest of "The 5 questions most feared by men"

June 24, 2005

Lawyer Jokes

PG-Rated

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

See the rest of "Lawyer Jokes"

June 22, 2005

Busybody Neighbor

R-Rated

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

See the rest of "Busybody Neighbor"

June 20, 2005

A Jewish Parrot

G-Rated

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

See the rest of "A Jewish Parrot"

The Alberta Farmer

G-Rated

A man owned a small farm outside Lethbridge. Employment Standards claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

See the rest of "The Alberta Farmer"

June 18, 2005

How To Avoid The Flu

G-Rated

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR

See the rest of "How To Avoid The Flu"

California in 1850

R-Rated

Do you know what happened back in 1850?

California became a state.

See the rest of "California in 1850"

June 16, 2005

Hello!

G-Rated

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

See the rest of "Hello!"

June 14, 2005

This is your captain speaking

R-Rated

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot:

See the rest of "This is your captain speaking"

June 13, 2005

The Fall

PG-Rated

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

See the rest of "The Fall"

Bathe with a friend

G-Rated

Looks good to me...

See the rest of "Bathe with a friend"

June 12, 2005

Lost at Sea

PG-Rated

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

See the rest of "Lost at Sea"

A crack in my wind sheild

R-Rated

Driving along Interstate 10,
65 miles an hour (speed limit),
minding my own business,
when outta nowhere,
I getta crack in my windshield.

I swiveled right,
then left and it was still
right there !!!!!!

See the rest of "A crack in my wind sheild"

Keeping the weenies warm

X-Rated

If you've ever wanted a way to keep the weenies warm ...

See the rest of "Keeping the weenies warm"

June 9, 2005

Ghetto Chicks

G-Rated

See the rest of "Ghetto Chicks"

The Survey

R-Rated

A recent survey was conducted asking men why they like blow jobs. The results were surprising.

See the rest of "The Survey"

June 7, 2005

THE OIL SHORTAGE

G-Rated

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil

See the rest of "THE OIL SHORTAGE"

June 5, 2005

The Brothel

PG-Rated

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

See the rest of "The Brothel"

June 3, 2005

Driving the Car...

PG-Rated

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice: "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

See the rest of "Driving the Car..."

Your tail light's out

G-Rated

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver ran to the rear of his car, gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.

See the rest of "Your tail light's out"