April 29, 2005

Educated Blonde from Alabama

G-Rated

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

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April 28, 2005

Some Women are Just too Sensitive

PG-Rated

[Read to the end ... it's worth it.]

Notes From Thoughtful Ron:

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

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Prince Charles, a Corgi and Camilla

PG-Rated

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. 'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'

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April 26, 2005

Who's on First - Updated

G-Rated

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and not too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

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April 25, 2005

The Atheist

G-Rated

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

See the rest of "The Atheist"

April 24, 2005

Headlines from the year 2029

G-Rated

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

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April 23, 2005

Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!!

G-Rated

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

See the rest of "Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!!"

April 22, 2005

The Trial

PG-Rated

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

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April 21, 2005

Marriage in Heaven

G-Rated

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: -- Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

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April 20, 2005

The Dark and Stormy Night Contest

G-Rated

[There are various versions of this floating around. The official web site is The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.]

For you lovers of good writing, these are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest --AKA the Dark and Stormy Night Contest -- run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

See the rest of "The Dark and Stormy Night Contest"

April 19, 2005

The women will understand...

R-Rated

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . . The Wax.

See the rest of "The women will understand..."

How to keep people from ringing your doorbell

G-Rated

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Life isn't fair

G-Rated

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April 18, 2005

Hillary Jogging

G-Rated

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

See the rest of "Hillary Jogging"

April 17, 2005

Welcome to the country

PG-Rated

Here is a list of rules that will be handed to everyone:

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will all year.

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April 16, 2005

The Pirate

G-Rated

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

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April 15, 2005

Squeezing Every Last Drop

G-Rated

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

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April 14, 2005

BLONDES REALLY ARE DUMBER...

G-Rated

And there's a scientific reason for it.

Researchers in Los Angeles, Calif., have recently produced evidence that repeated peroxide hair treatments -- the chemical process that makes blondes out of brunettes -- may lead to significant brain cell deterioration.

See the rest of "BLONDES REALLY ARE DUMBER..."

April 13, 2005

Thoughts for the day

G-Rated

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

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April 12, 2005

Living Will

G-Rated

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

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April 11, 2005

Understanding

G-Rated

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

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April 8, 2005

Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday

PG-Rated

Today, , is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday.

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

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The International Sign for Marriage

G-Rated

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April 7, 2005

Understanding Engineers

G-Rated

Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

See the rest of "Understanding Engineers"

April 6, 2005

The Ancient Mariner

PG-Rated

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

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April 5, 2005

Don't ya hate it when they pull out in front of you?

R-Rated

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April 3, 2005

The IRS Genie

PG-Rated

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

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April 1, 2005

Marriage

PG-Rated

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing between three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what she'll do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

See the rest of "Marriage"