March 31, 2005
Redneck Hot Tub
G-RatedSee the rest of "Redneck Hot Tub"
March 29, 2005
Face in the Mirror
My face in the mirror Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone.See the rest of "Face in the Mirror"
Water to Wine
An Irish priest was driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"See the rest of "Water to Wine"
March 28, 2005
All Female Crew
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."See the rest of "All Female Crew"
When the husband comes home early
When the husband comes home early, apparently any exit will do...See the rest of "When the husband comes home early"
March 27, 2005
Funny Flight Attendant Announcements
"Attention, Passengers !"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the inflight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."See the rest of "Funny Flight Attendant Announcements"
March 26, 2005
The Rules of Life
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.See the rest of "The Rules of Life"
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.See the rest of "Home Remedies"
March 23, 2005
Bubba applies to Wal-Mart
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.See the rest of "Bubba applies to Wal-Mart"
March 22, 2005
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.See the rest of "Pedro Knows!"
PG-RatedSee the rest of "Kitchen Accessory"
March 19, 2005
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.See the rest of "Lost Luggage"
March 18, 2005
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because Ethel was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the fellows actually joined in.See the rest of "Traffic Cops"
March 17, 2005
The Wedding Night
At 95 years of age, James marries LouAnne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is quite old, LouAnne decides that after their wedding she and James should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.See the rest of "The Wedding Night"
March 13, 2005
Newspapers and Who Reads Them
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.See the rest of "Newspapers and Who Reads Them"
March 11, 2005
A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a walk she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.See the rest of "Red Tomatos"
March 10, 2005
American Medical Association researchers have made a re-markable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.See the rest of "Transfusions"
March 9, 2005
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.See the rest of "Face Study"
March 8, 2005
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.comSee the rest of "HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY"
March 7, 2005
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.See the rest of "Picking Hymns"
March 5, 2005
Interpreting Employment Ads
- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
March 4, 2005
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.See the rest of "Senior Smarts"
March 2, 2005
The high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat.
To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.See the rest of "Coaches Retreat"
Boomer Songs - Updated
It was fun being a baby boomer ... till now. Some of the artists of the '60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken HipSee the rest of "Boomer Songs - Updated"