March 31, 2005

Redneck Hot Tub

G-Rated

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March 29, 2005

Face in the Mirror

G-Rated

My face in the mirror Isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

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Water to Wine

PG-Rated

An Irish priest was driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

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March 28, 2005

All Female Crew

PG-Rated

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

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When the husband comes home early

R-Rated

When the husband comes home early, apparently any exit will do...

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March 27, 2005

Funny Flight Attendant Announcements

G-Rated

"Attention, Passengers !"

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the inflight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

See the rest of "Funny Flight Attendant Announcements"

March 26, 2005

The Rules of Life

PG-Rated

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

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Home Remedies

PG-Rated

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

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March 23, 2005

Bubba applies to Wal-Mart

PG-Rated

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

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March 22, 2005

Pedro Knows!

PG-Rated

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

See the rest of "Pedro Knows!"

Kitchen Accessory

PG-Rated

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March 19, 2005

Lost Luggage

PG-Rated

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

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March 18, 2005

Traffic Cops

R-Rated

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because Ethel was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the fellows actually joined in.

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March 17, 2005

The Wedding Night

PG-Rated

At 95 years of age, James marries LouAnne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is quite old, LouAnne decides that after their wedding she and James should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

See the rest of "The Wedding Night"

March 13, 2005

Newspapers and Who Reads Them

G-Rated

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

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March 11, 2005

Red Tomatos

PG-Rated

A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a walk she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

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March 10, 2005

Transfusions

PG-Rated

American Medical Association researchers have made a re-markable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

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March 9, 2005

Face Study

PG-Rated

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

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March 8, 2005

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

G-Rated

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com

See the rest of "HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY"

March 7, 2005

Picking Hymns

G-Rated

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

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March 5, 2005

Interpreting Employment Ads

G-Rated

"Competitive Salary"
- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

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March 4, 2005

Senior Smarts

G-Rated

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

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March 2, 2005

Coaches Retreat

G-Rated

The high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat.

To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

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Boomer Songs - Updated

G-Rated

It was fun being a baby boomer ... till now. Some of the artists of the '60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

See the rest of "Boomer Songs - Updated"