January 31, 2005

You had to ask...

PG-Rated

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

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Priorities

PG-Rated

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

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January 30, 2005

Loud Sex

R-Rated

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

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The Cat

PG-Rated

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

See the rest of "The Cat"

January 29, 2005

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

PG-Rated

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

See the rest of "SOCIAL SECURITY SEX"

January 28, 2005

Firefighters

PG-Rated

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

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January 26, 2005

Green Side Up

G-Rated

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."

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The Perfect Day

R-Rated

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday

See the rest of "The Perfect Day"

Homes Needed for Kittens

PG-Rated

I'm desperately searching for an animal lover, trying to help out a friend find homes for the last 3 in a litter of kittens.

She lives close to the Crystal River nuclear power plant. Please look and see if any of these little guys touch your heart.

We really need to find a good home for them. Thanks so much for your help.

See the rest of "Homes Needed for Kittens"

January 25, 2005

New Words

PG-Rated

[Originally "New Words for 2001" - but it remains relevant...]

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

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January 24, 2005

Taxi Driver

G-Rated

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder in order to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

See the rest of "Taxi Driver"

Can you find the dogs?

G-Rated

Here is a visual-perception challenge for you. See how quickly you can find the dogs in the picture in the attached JPEG file. Men seem to do better at this than women, for some reason.

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January 23, 2005

Car Wars

G-Rated

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

See the rest of "Car Wars"

A Slow Day at Sea

G-Rated

The Navy tests flies a Falcon off of the Enterprise:

See the rest of "A Slow Day at Sea"

January 22, 2005

Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul

G-Rated

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

See the rest of "Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul"

Mushroom, Right?

R-Rated

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January 21, 2005

I knew there had to be a manual...

G-Rated

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Why do men die first?

G-Rated

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...
you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ....
you're a pansy.

See the rest of "Why do men die first?"

January 20, 2005

A Love Story

G-Rated

I will seek and find you . . .

I will take you to bed and control you . . .

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan . . .

See the rest of "A Love Story"

January 19, 2005

King Arthur and Women

G-Rated

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

See the rest of "King Arthur and Women"

January 18, 2005

Choices

PG-Rated

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

See the rest of "Choices"

January 17, 2005

Girls and Boys

PG-Rated

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they sat together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day!

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January 16, 2005

Confession

PG-Rated

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

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January 15, 2005

The Senility Prayer

G-Rated

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January 13, 2005

Having a Great Time at College

R-Rated

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

See the rest of "Having a Great Time at College"

January 12, 2005

Soemthing to Offend Everyone

R-Rated

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
(Juan-on-Juan)

Why is divorce so expensive?
(Because it's worth it)

See the rest of "Soemthing to Offend Everyone"

January 11, 2005

Roe v Wade

PG-Rated

A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe Vs Wade decision was.

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January 10, 2005

For Your Last Minute Shopping Pleasure

PG-Rated

Here are a few things that you can do at your local Wal-Mart while the wife or husband is taking hers or his sweet time shopping.

See the rest of "For Your Last Minute Shopping Pleasure"

I Swear it was THIS BIG!

G-Rated

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January 9, 2005

The Best Singles Ad Ever

G-Rated

SINGLE FEMALE

Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.

See the rest of "The Best Singles Ad Ever"

January 8, 2005

Big Bob and The Twins

G-Rated

Hi Everyone,

My name is David. Driving to work this morning on Washington S.R. #167 near Auburn WA, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman, in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rearview mirror putting on her eye makeup.

See the rest of "Big Bob and The Twins"

Not a happy kitty

G-Rated

See the rest of "Not a happy kitty"

January 6, 2005

Harmonic Motion

R-Rated

Please don't tell me if the equations are wrong, it is the harmonic motion that is important!!

See the rest of "Harmonic Motion"

January 5, 2005

My Thighs Were Stolen From Me...

G-Rated

My Thighs Were Stolen From Me...

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine?

See the rest of "My Thighs Were Stolen From Me..."

January 4, 2005

If Women Ruled the World II

PG-Rated

See the rest of "If Women Ruled the World II"

January 3, 2005

Nothing on TV

X-Rated

Don'tcha just hate it when there's nothing on TV?

See the rest of "Nothing on TV"

January 2, 2005

Brave? Or Stupid?

G-Rated

You be the judge...

See the rest of "Brave? Or Stupid?"

January 1, 2005

I Love My Job!

PG-Rated

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! The next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

See the rest of "I Love My Job!"

New Year's Advice

G-Rated


2004 Has sped by

See the rest of "New Year's Advice"