December 31, 2004

The Best Way to Learn Geometry

R-Rated

No, I didn't have this example in school, sad to say ...

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Airplane Conversation

PG-Rated

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

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Cards for Men

G-Rated

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December 30, 2004

Let Sleeping Dogs ... Sleep

G-Rated

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Born to be Wild

R-Rated

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December 28, 2004

The Computer Swallowed Grandma

G-Rated

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

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Cup Sizes

R-Rated

Have you ever wondered why letters A through F are used to classify bra sizes?

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December 26, 2004

The Mailman's Last Day

R-Rated

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

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Who has the Implants?

R-Rated

Can you tell which of these young ladies has implants?

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Guess the Cup Size

PG-Rated

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December 25, 2004

Senior Tour Bus

G-Rated

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, whenhe is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

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December 24, 2004

Dog Rules

G-Rated

A list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

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December 23, 2004

A Dog's letter to God......

PG-Rated

Dear God:

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

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December 22, 2004

5 Kinds of Sex

PG-Rated

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

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December 21, 2004

If Men Designed Bras

R-Rated

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December 20, 2004

The Thermodynamic Characteristics of Hell

G-Rated

[This has been around forever it seems, usually prefixed by an attribution to the local University. It's still great, and as a U.W. alumnus, I'll just leave that part in, as received, this time, from my sister-in-law...]

This must explain why all the smart people end up at the University of Washington... Go Dawgs!

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

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December 19, 2004

A Blonde Guy II

G-Rated

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

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The Secret to Longevity

PG-Rated

A passerby noticed an old lady sitting on her front step. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What is your secret for such a long, happy life?

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December 18, 2004

Christmas Deals

PG-Rated

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December 17, 2004

Chris Rock Quote

PG-Rated

"You know the world is going crazy when ...

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December 15, 2004

A Woman's Version of the Night Before Christmas

G-Rated

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

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December 13, 2004

Christmas at the Pealy Gates

G-Rated

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

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December 12, 2004

GIFT WRAPPING WITH THE HELP OF YOUR CAT

G-Rated

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

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The Making of Ice-Cream Cones...

PG-Rated

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December 10, 2004

Christmas Wishes

G-Rated

If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you.
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

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December 6, 2004

Post-Election Christmas Card

PG-Rated

A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:

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This year's most requested dolls

PG-Rated

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December 4, 2004

Bubba Claus

PG-Rated

TO: All Parents
CC: Good Little Boys and Girls
FROM: Santa Claus
SUBJECT: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan.

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December 3, 2004

Images of Christmas

R-Rated

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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

PG-Rated

Paranoid Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

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December 2, 2004

Walkin' in a Doggie Wonderland

G-Rated

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

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December 1, 2004

Tequila Christmas Cake

PG-Rated

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
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