November 29, 2004
Potato Prostitutes
PG-Rated
Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
See the rest of "Potato Prostitutes"No more GEICO commercials
PG-Rated
Let's see him try to sell insurance NOW!
See the rest of "No more GEICO commercials"November 28, 2004
Blonde Snow
G-Rated
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
See the rest of "Blonde Snow"Technology for Country Folk
G-Rated
See the rest of "Technology for Country Folk"November 26, 2004
Baptism
PG-Rated
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
See the rest of "Baptism"Admit it...
G-Rated
Admit it ... you've had days where you want to do this:
See the rest of "Admit it..."November 25, 2004
Hallmark's Dysfunctional Greeting Cards
PG-Rated
I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
November 24, 2004
Gift Parrot
PG-Rated
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
See the rest of "Gift Parrot"George, Laura, and Dick
PG-Rated
George, Laura, and Dick are flying on Halliburton's private jet.
George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
See the rest of "George, Laura, and Dick"Obviously a Democrat
PG-Rated
See the rest of "Obviously a Democrat"November 23, 2004
A Thanksgiving Poem
PG-Rated
He laid her on the table, So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there.
See the rest of "A Thanksgiving Poem"November 22, 2004
Osama's Letter to George
R-Rated
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
See the rest of "Osama's Letter to George"November 21, 2004
George Bush in Hell
R-Rated
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
See the rest of "George Bush in Hell"November 20, 2004
The Beaver
PG-Rated
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
See the rest of "The Beaver"Ads You'll Never See
PG-Rated
November 19, 2004
Room Service
R-Rated
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone booth on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number.
See the rest of "Room Service"November 18, 2004
The Goal
PG-Rated
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals".
See the rest of "The Goal"November 17, 2004
SAYING THE RIGHT THING
PG-Rated
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
See the rest of "SAYING THE RIGHT THING"November 16, 2004
Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars
G-Rated
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs $50, and $50 is $50."
See the rest of "Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars"November 15, 2004
A Common Disease
G-Rated
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
See the rest of "A Common Disease"November 14, 2004
MONKS AND MANUSCRIPTS
PG-Rated
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
See the rest of "MONKS AND MANUSCRIPTS"November 13, 2004
Insurance Salesman
G-Rated
Bubba Billy Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center and, because he was a good fast Texas talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
See the rest of "Insurance Salesman"November 12, 2004
How to embarrass your dog
G-Rated
You see, my FUR keeps me warm. Your sweaters only serve to insult me.
November 11, 2004
WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
G-Rated
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
See the rest of "WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?"November 10, 2004
SOMETIMES IT DOES TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST
G-Rated
[This has been around for a while ... see comments at the end.]
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
See the rest of "SOMETIMES IT DOES TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST"November 8, 2004
FISH AND WILDLIFE WARNINGS
G-Rated
The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.
See the rest of "FISH AND WILDLIFE WARNINGS"November 7, 2004
Cows, Revisited
G-Rated
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
November 6, 2004
SONNY AND BUBBA
PG-Rated
Sonny and Bubba were sitting on the porch shooting the breeze.
Sonny asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"
See the rest of "SONNY AND BUBBA"November 5, 2004
FROG JOKE WITH A NEW ENDING
PG-Rated
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
See the rest of "FROG JOKE WITH A NEW ENDING"November 4, 2004
Presidential Lightbuld Joke
G-Rated
[A little post-election humor...]
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?
The Answer is TEN:
See the rest of "Presidential Lightbuld Joke"November 3, 2004
7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK
PG-Rated
7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK
1. CURL UP AND DIE: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
See the rest of "7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK"November 2, 2004
What is Politics?
PG-Rated
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
See the rest of "What is Politics?"BUBBA AND JIMMY JOE
PG-Rated
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
See the rest of "BUBBA AND JIMMY JOE"Political Emblem
R-Rated
See the rest of "Political Emblem"November 1, 2004
Things You Can Count On
PG-Rated
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
See the rest of "Things You Can Count On"