November 29, 2004

Potato Prostitutes

PG-Rated

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

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No more GEICO commercials

PG-Rated

Let's see him try to sell insurance NOW!

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November 28, 2004

Blonde Snow

G-Rated

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

See the rest of "Blonde Snow"

Technology for Country Folk

G-Rated

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November 26, 2004

Baptism

PG-Rated

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

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Admit it...

G-Rated

Admit it ... you've had days where you want to do this:

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November 25, 2004

Hallmark's Dysfunctional Greeting Cards

PG-Rated

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

See the rest of "Hallmark's Dysfunctional Greeting Cards"

November 24, 2004

Gift Parrot

PG-Rated

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

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George, Laura, and Dick

PG-Rated

George, Laura, and Dick are flying on Halliburton's private jet.

George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

See the rest of "George, Laura, and Dick"

Obviously a Democrat

PG-Rated

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November 23, 2004

A Thanksgiving Poem

PG-Rated

He laid her on the table, So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there.

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November 22, 2004

Osama's Letter to George

R-Rated

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

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November 21, 2004

George Bush in Hell

R-Rated

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

See the rest of "George Bush in Hell"

November 20, 2004

The Beaver

PG-Rated

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

See the rest of "The Beaver"

Ads You'll Never See

PG-Rated

See the rest of "Ads You'll Never See"

November 19, 2004

Room Service

R-Rated

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone booth on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number.

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November 18, 2004

The Goal

PG-Rated

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals".

See the rest of "The Goal"

November 17, 2004

SAYING THE RIGHT THING

PG-Rated

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

See the rest of "SAYING THE RIGHT THING"

November 16, 2004

Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars

G-Rated

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs $50, and $50 is $50."

See the rest of "Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars"

November 15, 2004

A Common Disease

G-Rated

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

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November 14, 2004

MONKS AND MANUSCRIPTS

PG-Rated

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

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November 13, 2004

Insurance Salesman

G-Rated

Bubba Billy Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center and, because he was a good fast Texas talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

See the rest of "Insurance Salesman"

November 12, 2004

How to embarrass your dog

G-Rated


You see, my FUR keeps me warm. Your sweaters only serve to insult me.

See the rest of "How to embarrass your dog"

November 11, 2004

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?

G-Rated

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

See the rest of "WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?"

November 10, 2004

SOMETIMES IT DOES TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST

G-Rated

[This has been around for a while ... see comments at the end.]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

See the rest of "SOMETIMES IT DOES TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST"

November 8, 2004

FISH AND WILDLIFE WARNINGS

G-Rated

The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

See the rest of "FISH AND WILDLIFE WARNINGS"

November 7, 2004

Cows, Revisited

G-Rated

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

See the rest of "Cows, Revisited"

November 6, 2004

SONNY AND BUBBA

PG-Rated

Sonny and Bubba were sitting on the porch shooting the breeze.

Sonny asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

See the rest of "SONNY AND BUBBA"

November 5, 2004

FROG JOKE WITH A NEW ENDING

PG-Rated

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

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November 4, 2004

Presidential Lightbuld Joke

G-Rated

[A little post-election humor...]

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is TEN:

See the rest of "Presidential Lightbuld Joke"

November 3, 2004

7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK

PG-Rated

7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK

1. CURL UP AND DIE: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX

See the rest of "7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK"

November 2, 2004

What is Politics?

PG-Rated

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

See the rest of "What is Politics?"

BUBBA AND JIMMY JOE

PG-Rated

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

See the rest of "BUBBA AND JIMMY JOE"

Political Emblem

R-Rated

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November 1, 2004

Things You Can Count On

PG-Rated

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

See the rest of "Things You Can Count On"

Where's the Kitty?

G-Rated

See the rest of "Where's the Kitty?"

Someone's Perfect Woman

R-Rated

See the rest of "Someone's Perfect Woman"