October 31, 2004

Two Wishes

G-Rated

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

See the rest of "Two Wishes"

October 30, 2004

10 Reason Why Trick or Treating is better than sex

PG-Rated

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

See the rest of "10 Reason Why Trick or Treating is better than sex"

October 28, 2004

T-Shirts

G-Rated

  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
See the rest of "T-Shirts"

October 27, 2004

Watch Your Health

G-Rated

It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies:

The Japanese eat relatively little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

See the rest of "Watch Your Health"

October 26, 2004

Bad memory, you say?

G-Rated

An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

See the rest of "Bad memory, you say?"

October 24, 2004

Pumpkin Collection 2004

G-Rated

It's almost Halloween, and that means people are getting creative with their pumpkins...

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Not da Mama!

G-Rated

I am not your mother!

See the rest of "Not da Mama!"

A Scotsman, an American, and an Irishman

PG-Rated

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

See the rest of "A Scotsman, an American, and an Irishman"

Anagrams are Fun

PG-Rated

[From my 2002 files, but some topics are more like 2000.]

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange: DIRTY ROOM

See the rest of "Anagrams are Fun"

October 23, 2004

The Solution

G-Rated

The owner of a well-established, very well-respected, third generation family owned garment business met with his Board of Directors. Due to the recession, business had been very bad. Sales were down and costs were up.

The owner and his wife had poured every penny they had back into the business in the hope of keeping it afloat, but still things looked very precarious. The Board of Directors offered no solutions, so as a last resort the owner decided to seek advice from his Rabbi.

See the rest of "The Solution"

October 22, 2004

Shipwrecked

PG-Rated

A Kentuckian , a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

See the rest of "Shipwrecked"

October 21, 2004

Second Opinion

PG-Rated

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

See the rest of "Second Opinion"

October 20, 2004

Truth in Labeling

PG-Rated

They just released the ingredients of "VIAGRA".

See the rest of "Truth in Labeling"

Halloween Costumes

R-Rated

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October 19, 2004

If condoms had sponsors...

R-Rated

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October 18, 2004

Bubba's got two!

R-Rated

Bubba died in a fire and he was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba there." The mortician thought thist was rather strange.

See the rest of "Bubba's got two!"

False Teeth

G-Rated

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

See the rest of "False Teeth"

Seven Dwarves of Menopause

PG-Rated

Recognize any?

See the rest of "Seven Dwarves of Menopause"

The Cardiologist

PG-Rated

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. All of the local physicians attended the service.

See the rest of "The Cardiologist"

October 17, 2004

Having a Bad Day?

R-Rated

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese Twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay. You're not. ...

See the rest of "Having a Bad Day?"

Tweety's Prayer

G-Rated

See the rest of "Tweety's Prayer"

Redneck Cat Carrier

G-Rated

See the rest of "Redneck Cat Carrier"

October 15, 2004

Two Women at the Pearly Gates

G-Rated

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

See the rest of "Two Women at the Pearly Gates"

October 14, 2004

Cars and Computers

G-Rated

[This is an old, old classic that's been making the rounds again recently...]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

See the rest of "Cars and Computers"

Thought Provoking

G-Rated

  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
  • Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
See the rest of "Thought Provoking"

Love Dress

PG-Rated

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

See the rest of "Love Dress"

October 13, 2004

TWO CASINO DEALERS AND A BLONDE

G-Rated

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

See the rest of "TWO CASINO DEALERS AND A BLONDE"

Signs of the Times II

G-Rated

Veterinarian's Office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."

See the rest of "Signs of the Times II"

October 12, 2004

Blond Firing Line

G-Rated

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

See the rest of "Blond Firing Line"

October 11, 2004

Gorilla in heat

R-Rated

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

See the rest of "Gorilla in heat"

Unusual Pets

G-Rated

The guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

See the rest of "Unusual Pets"

October 10, 2004

The Hormone Hostage

PG-Rated

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other!

See the rest of "The Hormone Hostage"

October 9, 2004

Her Side / His Side

PG-Rated

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

See the rest of "Her Side / His Side"

October 8, 2004

I want to be a stud

G-Rated

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

See the rest of "I want to be a stud"

Bumper Stickers

PG-Rated

See the rest of "Bumper Stickers"

October 7, 2004

Jim & Mary

PG-Rated

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

See the rest of "Jim & Mary"

October 6, 2004

REDNECK HAIKU

G-Rated

Thank goodness this ancient art form has been revived thanks to an emergency grant from the Bush administration to the National Endowment of the Arts.

DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
You are my cousin

See the rest of "REDNECK HAIKU"

Think You're Tough?

PG-Rated

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October 5, 2004

Death Bed Confession

G-Rated

Joe was dying. His wife, Carol, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, with tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. Joe looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Carol," he whispered.

See the rest of "Death Bed Confession"

If Men Could Knit

R-Rated

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I Wanna Be A Bear

G-Rated

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

See the rest of "I Wanna Be A Bear"

How to Tell if Your Cat is Doing Drugs

G-Rated

See the rest of "How to Tell if Your Cat is Doing Drugs"

October 4, 2004

The Vasectomy Clinic

X-Rated

Two guys both have 9:00 a.m appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room.

See the rest of "The Vasectomy Clinic"

Are You Owned By Your Pets?

G-Rated

You Know You're Owned by Your Pets When.....

You have a mental list of people you'd like to spay or neuter.

You stopped at a house with a "Free Puppies" sign in the yard to have an Educational "Chat," and your kids had to post your bail.

Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.

See the rest of "Are You Owned By Your Pets?"

October 3, 2004

The Stutter

R-Rated

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

See the rest of "The Stutter"

October 2, 2004

Grandpa

PG-Rated

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

See the rest of "Grandpa"

October 1, 2004

Ain't this the truth!

PG-Rated

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

See the rest of "Ain't this the truth!"