September 29, 2004

Bad Parenting Skills

G-Rated

Whoops...

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September 28, 2004

So In Love

G-Rated

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

See the rest of "So In Love"

September 27, 2004

TRAGEDY IN LAKE WOEBEGON, MINNESOTA

G-Rated

Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian Cemetery here early this morning.

See the rest of "TRAGEDY IN LAKE WOEBEGON, MINNESOTA"

Senior Moments new & old

G-Rated

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

See the rest of "Senior Moments new & old"

September 26, 2004

Cuteness: Cats & Dogs

G-Rated

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September 21, 2004

Lost Dog

G-Rated

[I'd only seen this are a cartoon before, this version just arrived and is a new approach...]

See the rest of "Lost Dog"

September 20, 2004

Einstein, Picasso, and Bush At The Pearly Gates

G-Rated

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

See the rest of "Einstein, Picasso, and Bush At The Pearly Gates"

September 19, 2004

A Girl's First Time

PG-Rated

(Assume you are a girl, if you're not.)

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

See the rest of "A Girl's First Time"

September 18, 2004

Nag, nag, nag

PG-Rated

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about,"What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.

See the rest of "Nag, nag, nag"

The Frog

PG-Rated

While taking a walk in the woods, a man comes across a little frog. The frog asks the man if it's OK if they walk together for a while and the man tells the frog to suit himself.

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September 17, 2004

BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2004?

PG-Rated

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

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September 16, 2004

What's your worst experience?

R-Rated

Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

See the rest of "What's your worst experience?"

September 15, 2004

Name That ...

R-Rated

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

See the rest of "Name That ..."

September 14, 2004

Breaking Election News!

G-Rated

[This dates back to December 2000, after the presidential election.]

BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT

Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush. "I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."

See the rest of "Breaking Election News!"

September 13, 2004

Blonde Dedication

G-Rated

There was this Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss ad to choose between a team of blondes and a team of brown-haired guys. So the boss said to both teams: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road. The team that installs the most poles gets the job.”

Both teams headed right out.

See the rest of "Blonde Dedication"

September 11, 2004

Perhaps The Best Blonde Joke

R-Rated

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised.

See the rest of "Perhaps The Best Blonde Joke"

September 10, 2004

Car Ad

R-Rated

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The Pharmacist

PG-Rated

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

See the rest of "The Pharmacist"

Hung by the chimney with...

PG-Rated

['twas the month before Christmas, 2000 when this one arrived.]

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

See the rest of "Hung by the chimney with..."

September 9, 2004

Darwin Awards 2000

PG-Rated

[It seems like there's always a set of "Darwin Awards" making the rounds. This version is from my December 2000 archives.]

Some of these make you wince, but they are funny!

1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

See the rest of "Darwin Awards 2000"

September 8, 2004

Life is all about ...??

R-Rated

You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

Life is all about...

See the rest of "Life is all about ...??"

Little Leroy

PG-Rated

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.

She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

See the rest of "Little Leroy"

September 7, 2004

NEW BUMPER STICKERS FOR FLORIDA

G-Rated

[This went around roughly four years ago, in December 2000. The month after the presidential election.]

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait 'till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

See the rest of "NEW BUMPER STICKERS FOR FLORIDA"

September 6, 2004

Super Granny: Defender of Justice

G-Rated

[This came in in December of 2000, labeled as a "True Story". 90% of all "true stories" forwarded in email aren't true at all, but true or not, it's funny...]

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scum bags!"

See the rest of "Super Granny: Defender of Justice"

September 5, 2004

Three Ladies

PG-Rated

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

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Dining Out

PG-Rated

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, notices that the man is slowly slipping down in his chair, but his dining partner seems oblivious to this.

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September 4, 2004

Wisdom from Mother

PG-Rated

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

See the rest of "Wisdom from Mother"

The Elementary School version of the Bible

PG-Rated

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! (If you don't, you sure ain't going to learn it here.) It comes from a Catholic Elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments.

The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected. (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in!)

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

See the rest of "The Elementary School version of the Bible"

Top Ten Sports comments

PG-Rated

Top ten comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

See the rest of "Top Ten Sports comments"

The Explanation

PG-Rated

Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Robert, the bartender.

"Jamie McConnough and me had a fight," says Paddy.

See the rest of "The Explanation"

September 3, 2004

Good Coconut / Bad Coconut?

R-Rated

Can you tell the difference between good coconuts and bad coconuts?

Maybe this will help...

See the rest of "Good Coconut / Bad Coconut?"

Horse's Posterior

PG-Rated

[This is from my 2000 files, but I'm sure that there are versions floating around with the names changed to more current politicians of choice...]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as Al Gore came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

See the rest of "Horse's Posterior"

September 2, 2004

Ten Best Things to Say if You're Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

G-Rated

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

See the rest of "Ten Best Things to Say if You're Caught Sleeping at Your Desk"

September 1, 2004

Emergency Medical

G-Rated

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

See the rest of "Emergency Medical"