August 31, 2004

President-Elect

G-Rated

[This went around almost four years ago after the U.S. 2000 presidential election.]

You now live in a country where you have no President-elect, but you do have . . .

a). A dead Senator-Elect from Missouri.

b). A fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.

c). A Senator-Elect from New York who is the wife of the boss of the man who may become President.

See the rest of "President-Elect"

August 30, 2004

Two Cannibals

PG-Rated

Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them,I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

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August 29, 2004

Blonde Mail

G-Rated

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

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August 28, 2004

Ponderables

G-Rated

  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
  • If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.
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A few images

R-Rated

[A few photos & cartoons.]

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August 27, 2004

Firming Up

PG-Rated

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and  pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

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August 26, 2004

Dilemma: the lady, the friend and the partner

PG-Rated

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

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August 25, 2004

Sheer Lingerie

PG-Rated

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

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August 24, 2004

Why Men Should Not Babysit

PG-Rated

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You called it WHAT?

R-Rated

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Password Selection

PG-Rated

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on with. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

See the rest of "Password Selection"

Men of Great Intellect

R-Rated

"I have always strenuously supported the right of every man to his own opinion, however different that opinion might be to mine. He who denies another this right makes a slave of himself to his present opinion, because he precludes himself the right of changing it."
-Thomas Paine, 1783

See the rest of "Men of Great Intellect"

My New Diet

G-Rated

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed. "Lord, it's up to you. If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

See the rest of "My New Diet"

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO

PG-Rated

10. Your annual breast exam is at Hooter's.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park".

See the rest of "TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO"

August 23, 2004

Did I read that sign right?

G-Rated

In a washroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

See the rest of "Did I read that sign right?"

Blonde Airline Passenger

G-Rated

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

See the rest of "Blonde Airline Passenger"

August 22, 2004

Speeding

G-Rated

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

See the rest of "Speeding"

August 21, 2004

A warning for men ...

R-Rated

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IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

G-Rated

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

See the rest of "IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . ."

August 20, 2004

A Good Question

PG-Rated

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

See the rest of "A Good Question"

How to spot a rich guy...

PG-Rated

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Assorted Images

R-Rated

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Politically Correct

PG-Rated

For both men and women...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

See the rest of "Politically Correct"

A more honest cake topper...

PG-Rated

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Driving Test

PG-Rated

You are driving along a two lane road with a no passing sign posted, then you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles or do you break the law and pass?

You make the choice.

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Hiccups

G-Rated

Hiccups

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened.

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Waiting ...

G-Rated

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August 19, 2004

One Liners

G-Rated

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown

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August 18, 2004

Prison versus Work

G-Rated

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear . . .

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

See the rest of "Prison versus Work"

August 16, 2004

God Loves Blonds

G-Rated

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

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Old Is...

G-Rated

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

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How to tell if your cat is male

G-Rated

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August 15, 2004

Updated Songs For Boomers

G-Rated

Something for us all to look forward to or relate to, depending upon how early in the boomer curve we are...

Hermans' Hermits ­ "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones ­ "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

See the rest of "Updated Songs For Boomers"

Chicken Joke

PG-Rated

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Showing Off...

R-Rated

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Your thought for the day...

PG-Rated

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August 14, 2004

The Secret to Inner Peace

G-Rated

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started. It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start, and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace. Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.

See the rest of "The Secret to Inner Peace"

August 13, 2004

GEORGE CARLIN'S THEORY OF LIFE

PG-Rated

[OK, it's rare that things attributed to George Carlin actually are from George Carlin, but nonetheless, this is good and certainly sounds like it could be...]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

See the rest of "GEORGE CARLIN'S THEORY OF LIFE"

Stories from the Belfry

G-Rated

There once was a great cathedral with a tall bell tower with a very very large bell in the top. For years the cathedral paid a man to stay and ring the bell on the hour and during special occasions. Then one day the man died of old age and the cathedral was forced to find someone to ring the bell.

The church put out an ad for a bell ringer and for weeks they got no responses. Till one day there came two nocks and followed shortly by a mild groan at the cathedral doors. There outside stood a man with no arms and a bruised face. The man said "I'm here about the bell ringers position". Well the monk who had opened the door was shocked and unsure how to handle the situation and invited the man in to talk to his superiors.

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August 12, 2004

Hot

G-Rated

You know it's hot when:

1. The best parking spots are determined by SHADE......NOT DISTANCE.

2. Hot water comes out of BOTH taps.

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August 11, 2004

English 102

G-Rated

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

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English 101

G-Rated

English is a hard language to learn. Consider the pronunciation of the following sentences:

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August 10, 2004

Doctor's Manners

PG-Rated

There's nothing worse than a "sarcastic" doctor's receptionist who insists that you tell her what is wrong while in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

See the rest of "Doctor's Manners"